Incomplete

Am I the only one who feels incomplete? Does anyone else ever feel like they are "going through the motions" at times? So many things I need to do, want to do, but just don't put them into action. I feel lost in the shuffle lately...I've put my kids before my husband (and everyone else), put everyone else's needs and wants before my own, and I'm losing out because of it. One of the many issues - I'm not happy with my appearance, haven't been for a long time. I know what I need to do, but have no desire, no push, no drive to do it, or MAKE time for myself in order to do it. I may start out great, but I don't have anyone motivating me, pushing me, MAKING me do it. Sounds ridiculous but I NEED that. Maybe it's all those years of playing sports, having coaches yelling at me, pushing me to work harder, having teammates pushing me, making me perform my best...I NEED that. I LOVE that. I've tried the gym, which I can't afford, but not only do I feel lost, out of place and unwelcome, but lonely there. I've tried walking around the lake before work (before it was too hot), but again, unfulfilling, lonely, boring. I don't know what the solution is, but I MUST find it. My dissatisfaction with my physical appearance is having a dramatic effect on me, and every aspect of my life. I want to look good, FEEL good. I want my husband to be proud of me, to be proud to be with me. I want to be a good example to my kids. I want to be back to where I was before I had kids. I KNOW that is possible. I know what I have to do. Why can't I do it?

As far as work, I am not being utilized for all that I am capable of. But how do I break through "the good ole boy system" to show what I am capable of? Every time I try, I'm treated as a threat. I feel as though I'm not working for the greater good....I want to make a difference. I want to contribute to our children's future - not just supervise ballparks, dealing with whiny parents, complaints about the facilities, coaches talking to me like I'm a child....I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I don't feel like I am doing anything close to that. My heart tells me that teaching, or coaching is what I should be doing. But at 31, WHERE IN THE HELL would I start? I'd have to go back to school? UGH. How do I even start? I don't want to work crazy hours anymore. I want to be home with my kids at night. I want to be at their every practice, every game, especially now that BOTH kids are playing. I don't want my kids to have to sit in daycare all summer. I want a job in which I am trusted, respected, looked up to.....is that so much to ask? I feel like I am missing the boat...like every day I'm wasting another one on my thankless, meaningless job that anyone can do. I know what I am capable of, and it is MUCH more than what I'm currently doing. But how do I change it? How do I fix it? Where do I start??

I am feeling very incomplete right now, very unfulfilled....and I'm not quite sure how to fix it....