Eight years ago today.....

.....my life changed forever. In more ways than I ever could have imagined. And I've cherished, enjoyed, soaked in every single moment of it. On October 4, 2001 at 7:04pm, Jackson Garrett Miller was born, after 13 long hours of pitocin filled labor and a c-section. I can remember it like it was yesterday. 7lbs, 14oz, 21 inches long. Head full of dark hair :) I had never laid eyes on such a beautiful little creature. And he was MINE!

Watching him learn, grow, excel over the last eight years has been absolutely amazing for me, for Jack and I as his parents, and as a couple. I've learned so much about myself - about my limitations, my capabilities, my broad range of emotions, my responsibilities as a parent, and my ability to love.

Garrett my son, you'll probably never read this, but you make my heart smile every single day. You make me so proud - your charm, your loving patience with your sister, your caring heart for others around you, your grades, your athletic abilities, your sweet SWEET shyness, I could go on for hours....I hope you enjoyed your 8th birthday party today. Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will EVER know. We can't wait to see how you will "WOW" us next!

Incomplete

Am I the only one who feels incomplete? Does anyone else ever feel like they are "going through the motions" at times? So many things I need to do, want to do, but just don't put them into action. I feel lost in the shuffle lately...I've put my kids before my husband (and everyone else), put everyone else's needs and wants before my own, and I'm losing out because of it. One of the many issues - I'm not happy with my appearance, haven't been for a long time. I know what I need to do, but have no desire, no push, no drive to do it, or MAKE time for myself in order to do it. I may start out great, but I don't have anyone motivating me, pushing me, MAKING me do it. Sounds ridiculous but I NEED that. Maybe it's all those years of playing sports, having coaches yelling at me, pushing me to work harder, having teammates pushing me, making me perform my best...I NEED that. I LOVE that. I've tried the gym, which I can't afford, but not only do I feel lost, out of place and unwelcome, but lonely there. I've tried walking around the lake before work (before it was too hot), but again, unfulfilling, lonely, boring. I don't know what the solution is, but I MUST find it. My dissatisfaction with my physical appearance is having a dramatic effect on me, and every aspect of my life. I want to look good, FEEL good. I want my husband to be proud of me, to be proud to be with me. I want to be a good example to my kids. I want to be back to where I was before I had kids. I KNOW that is possible. I know what I have to do. Why can't I do it?

As far as work, I am not being utilized for all that I am capable of. But how do I break through "the good ole boy system" to show what I am capable of? Every time I try, I'm treated as a threat. I feel as though I'm not working for the greater good....I want to make a difference. I want to contribute to our children's future - not just supervise ballparks, dealing with whiny parents, complaints about the facilities, coaches talking to me like I'm a child....I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I don't feel like I am doing anything close to that. My heart tells me that teaching, or coaching is what I should be doing. But at 31, WHERE IN THE HELL would I start? I'd have to go back to school? UGH. How do I even start? I don't want to work crazy hours anymore. I want to be home with my kids at night. I want to be at their every practice, every game, especially now that BOTH kids are playing. I don't want my kids to have to sit in daycare all summer. I want a job in which I am trusted, respected, looked up to.....is that so much to ask? I feel like I am missing the boat...like every day I'm wasting another one on my thankless, meaningless job that anyone can do. I know what I am capable of, and it is MUCH more than what I'm currently doing. But how do I change it? How do I fix it? Where do I start??

I am feeling very incomplete right now, very unfulfilled....and I'm not quite sure how to fix it....

What I love about summertime.....

4th of July at home with family and friends

and SPARKLERS!!!!

Who doesn't love 'em??

Daffin Park picnics with family and friends (my niece Kenna - isn't she cute?)

Laying on a blanket with the men in my life....

Forgoing the madness at Tybee or on River Street on the 4th...

Pool time at mom and dad's

The funny things my kids do...

Watching Jack be a kid too.....

A little bubble blowing while catching some rays.....

Baseball, OF COURSE :)

Dance camp!

When I was a kid, I lived for summertime. Summers in the Knorr house meant hour after hour, day after day of playing outside (for my brothers - shooting hoops and kicking the soccer ball against the fence; for me, playing on Stillwood Circle with my best friend Brigitte), swimming, riding bikes EVERYWHERE (Windsor Forest), more swimming, and of course, hanging out with mom who had summers off with us!

As I got older, and got out on my own, my summer interests shifted to college, working (waiting tables), playing Co-Ed softball at Paulson, hanging out at the beach with my girls, staying out all night, sleeping till noon (or later), and not having a care in the world.

Now that I'm a mom, my interests have changed dramatically. I treasure - I mean TREASURE each and every moment of summer that I have that doesn't involve work. Not being fortunate enough to have those 2 1/2 months off with Garrett (and soon Macie), I savor every afternoon outside, every rainy night in, every mini-vacation, every grill out with family and friends, every beach trip, all the silly moments. I must admit - it makes me a little sad to think how many more of these moments we all could have together if I didn't have to work summers. BUT I do what I have to do, and I have to stop myself at times from beating myself up, if that even makes sense...

Just in case........

....anyone reads my little blog.....this is my son's team :)

The Southeastern Athletics OUTLAWS are a boys open league/tournament baseball team. After two successful years in machine pitch, we are transitioning to 9U live pitch in the spring of 2010. We are looking for a few competitive, dedicated players to complete our roster. If you are interested, please send an email to 8uathletics@gmail.com.

2009 Spring Tournament Results:

Savannah Opener – 1st place
Ronnie Huggins – 3rd place
Hardball Classic – 2nd place
Savannah Spring Shoot Out – 1st Place
Spring Swing – 1st place
Georgia Games – 2nd place
Battle off I-16 – 3rd place

I love my family!!

Dad and his mom, the best grandmother in the world :)

My handsome little man

Mini me

The men in my life

Macie and me

Isn't she cute?!

Still a daddy's girl

Mikey and Katherine (hopefully my future sister-in-law one day - LOVE HER!!)

He swears he's the s%&!

Mom, Jack, Garrett and Big Dave :)

My Little Rock Star

Macie's new "thing" is singing singing SINGING. She's learning TONS of songs at daycare - songs about each primary color, Old McDonald, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, etc...it seems like everyday she shares another new song - I LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE it! I have a video of her singing the "RED" song, with her make-shift microphone :) but I can't get it to upload correctly. As soon as I figure it out I'll post it!!!

Losing a Co-Worker

What was supposed to be a great, romantic, relaxing day turned out to be a horribly sad, tragic, emotional one. On Monday June 15, my 8th wedding anniversary, my day started with a phone call informing me that our office manager at the Rec. Dept had passed away suddenly.

If you know anything about Effingham County Recreation and Parks, you know Jacan Brown. She worked there for 24 years. She was a fixture, LITERALLY, in the office. She told it like it was, didn't take ANY crap from ANYONE, loved to laugh and joke, and chit chat until she was blue in the face. She was the backbone of the office. She knew everybody, and everybody knew her.

What was once a loud, never a dull moment, boisterious office is now somber, mum and monotone. The worst part for me was seeing my co-workers - masculine, tough, manly men - tear up when we discussed arrangements and memorial plans. These goof balls; joksters; reduced to tears at an instant, and at any given moment. One minute we're laughing, talking about Jacan. And the next minute, tears are flowing. It's only Wednesday, and everyone is emotionally drained. Tired. Sad. Frustrated. Baffled. Anxious. Anxious to see what the future holds for the office. Who will replace her? What will we do until then? Will ever be the same? That's the one question we all know the answer to already. NO. But everything happens for a reason. I have to trust in that, and try to convince my co-workers of that too..I can already tell, though, that we are already closer because of this tragedy. Whether this same crew sticks together here at the Rec. Dept. for years to come or not, we are now bonded together by this one emotional,sad, yet precious life event. Maybe Jacan's death will in fact serve a greater purpose for those she left behind........Rest in peace Jacan :)